Dianivy's Journal

5.27.08

Mennonite Girl turns Gun-Slinger....that doesn't happen everyday. After a lifelong fear of guns and all things violent, I resolved to bash another barrier to understanding those around me. Tumbleweed Man drove me through the New Mexico desert repleat with more tumbleweeds and we enjoyed the very protective atmosphere that is the municipal shooting range. I had received the most gentle and thorough training the night before and was able to fire my first weapons without too much trepidation. My goals were simple: to have experiential knowledge to be able to take care of myself should the need arise and to appreciate those that take on the responsibilty to handle such dangerous tools on a daily basis for my benefit. So thank you, Tumbleweed Man for such a quiet introduction to such a very loud hobby :) My heart also yearns to thank Sergent Texan Big, Sweet Mama, and Soltice Child for their energy as they depart for an assignment so far away.

5.8.08

It's been such a very long time since I wrote here, but it was all for a good cause. I've been working very hard on releasing my CD which has finally arrived! I've also been writing new material (big shock I'm sure) and so I will leave one of them here for you. This one is not so much a judgement about war as an acknowlegdement of how it affects us all, but particularly women and children. The content speaks to an American experience in general, but tragedy know no borders and this is just as much for Iraqi mothers and children.

Your War Too
© 2008 Dianivy

Lovely Maiden dark and full
Follow knight his armor pull
Young but old beyond your years
Bravery disguising tears

It’s your war too
The phone rings wearing down your soul
It’s your war too
The TV’s on and it takes its toll
It’s your war too
And emails don’t keep the covers warm
It’s your war too

Sweet Mama with Solstice Child
Warrior’s Baby meek and mild
No choice where you make your home
Pack your bags prepare to roam

Her Beloved Soldier of the Hill
Training more do to their will
The tragic ripple effect still
Makes this war more than who he kills

Widow now in Homeland Secure
Tell your son tales obscure
About his daddy gone for good
Would’ve know him if he could

1.17.08

A deep thank you to all who have inspired me to write and sing and play and learn and love. I've written close to 30 songs this past year and I couldn't have done it without you! It was especially sweet to have my material requested recently and watch the person who the song was written about skip towards her love eagerly waiting to share it. So I post the lyrics because I promised Salt Girl I would and I hope you have fun figuring it all out :)

Diego
Dianivy © 2007

Getting me high and windy
Spraying me with her perfume
Catching my reflection
Always prepping our room

Working the door of my interest
Tempting me to hang out
Checking in on my status
Leaving me little doubt

That she’s one in a million
Living life as she sees fit
Making stars in the trillion
Seeming like they’re barely lit
Being all kinds of tender
Raising the bar of my desire
Never returning to sender
My affection and my fire.

Oh Diego

Leading me towards seduction
Giving directions by hand
Selling tickets and turning the lights
Making me feel like a fan

Keeping me plied with coffee
And sugar from her eyes
Cream that’s cold but different
From her warm goodbyes

Oh Diego

12.11.07

Wow, a whole month has flown by since I last wrote. I've been enjoying what other have to say of late and am eagerly awaiting the birth of the Holy Child in the meantime.
I'm particularly impressed and moved by how Cassadra Tribe expresses herself on recordings as well as the open mic scenario. It's been a joy to see and hear and feel another person's heart so similarly to how I experience my own vulnerability on stage. Other goddesses from Virginia to Canada to New Jersey are also giving me plenty to consider from their perspective and votes of confidence. It's such an honor to interact with all of you - even if indirectly -and I want to hear and learn more from you. Keep doing the mothering and creating and fighting that you do so well. I'll do my best here in my world. Peace to you this holiday season and may the warmth of humanity reach and keep you centered.

11.11.07

Veteran's Day has a whole new meaning for me this year. It's the first time I've actually known military personnel close to me. It's not that I've ignored this day of remembering those lost to institutionalized violence or to honor those who have sacrificed their time and energy for what they perceive to be a greater good. It's more that I haven't felt the loss myself personally. It's entirely possible that within the year, a dear soul to me will be in Iraq and if anything awful happens, I'll never know for sure the fate of a friend. That uncertain kind of loss is the worst in my books and I can now truly empathize with those that wait for POW and MIA loved ones. So to all the Veterans that I've never had the privilege to know and to those that serve now, I'm learning to appreciate you and I wish you a well-deserved day off. I'll miss you, Sergeant Texan Big.

10.25.07

Wasp at My Window
copyright Dianivy 2007

From the nineteenth floor
A Southwest horizon with its bubble water towers
Floods my panoramic view
With an ocean of fetishes on fossil fuels

Their reflections glimmer
Twice as large on the glass behind them
You breathe the concrete structure
As if it were food and comfort

Wasp at my window
Helping me go slow
Questioning what I know
Letting my love go

From this perspective you are more imposing than the tiny cars below
Reality is their smog is choking the both of us regardless of how we grow

Two short months in past
I was recovering from seven of your stings
Today I’m so relaxed
You are intriguing as you make me sing

My cave is comfy and I watch you bounce off the glass again and again
I wonder what you find so attractive here on this side of the melted sand

Needing to be touched
By the likes of my missing lover
Wanting far too much
I’ll take your antics as a second other

10.16.07

While the last month provided me with plenty to keep me distracted and wistfully happy, it doesn't compare to the real and normal life that awaits me everyday. I'm having such a good time building my clientele with my new job, finding new venues to try out my material on (a big "thank you" to EXHALE :)), and negotiating living issues all over again with new roomies.

I have a new found taste for sushi and Sangria (who would've thought?) and will try to keep up the pampering I started even if it went unnoticed by my sweet. Speaking of pampering, I want to give credit to Tumblweed Man for a most delicious Pasta Primavera meal prepared with such care and warmth that I could taste the emotions!

Brave Heart is settling in and figuring out his place in all the madness. It's a big job to come into this environment and keep one's sanity for very long. To quote my child after counting the people at the table, "We are 5 and we are odd". Yes indeed, Josh and Brave Heart gets points for hanging at the dinner table longer than expected.

Connections continue to pop up in the most tasty places and I'm looking forward to rekindling warm fires for the women in my life. You all deserve much more time and energy than I remember to give sometimes. Mothers of all kinds and Sisters of Such Sweetness are in my heart as you keep me centered and nurtured like our other cute gender just has a different way of showing.

9.01.07

I'm back into what's normal mode for me with more and more family coming to live with me and more and more care to show. Love of God is laying happily by my feet as if to say he forgives me for being so absent the last four weeks while his Daddy tried to live in up north. Oscar is also very understanding of my cuddling hiatus and is more than willing to make up for lost time (all in one morning it seemed). Dionysus is resting after yet another move with all his stuff, but he's home now, well fed and curled up into a ball not unlike his children.

In other news, Most Faithful Fan needs a new name as he's also bravely moving in on the valley with its unpredictable Queen and is more like family afterall. I'll work on it.

So here's to a very interesting fall as I look forward to chilling air and warming affections. My thoughts are with a very special Prince and Princess as they meet on neutral ground to negotiate all reasonable proposals of marriage. And blessings on their families who love and support them even if they don't know everything or understand it all. Love isn't usually coherent or necessarily neat and tidy to those looking on, but I'm not about to take theirs away on the grounds of unconventiality. Trust your instincts loves and keep being honest above all else and I suggest tapas for the wedding reception.

SAD Dude is giving me a run for my money and is getting really good at benefiting the rest of the world. Thank you for your honesty.

Well I'd better skadaddle as I have more laundry and dishes these days. Oh and by the way, I couldn't be happier.

8.20.07

I survived! 3 days later and I'm still processing my first and hopefully last mid-show cancellation. What I learned this week (mostly from Friday night):

Some people might not appreciate my "What I learned this week" installments :).

People have a hard time being honest, but I'm begging everybody out there, "PLEASE, HONESTY IS MUCH PREFERRED!". I learn better that way :)

Sometimes the best show (thank you so much Mark, Glenn and Zoom) can have a crappy thing happen and end up being where you meet the coolest people, get the most email addys ever, and have time left over to watch FireFly all S/W.

Written contracts are so very good and not enough people use them.

SAD Dude gives great hugs and I'm hoping his place of employment is not an obstacle to more contracts.

God needs a conscience and quick.

Offsides in soccer is making me dizzy and not in that good way I'm so fond of.

8.10.07

Seems like a lot longer than 9 days since I've journaled, but that's how it goes when good things are happening and I'm busy with plenty to focus on. Got a new song finished and I laugh my head off everytime I sing it. Am so looking forward to my next show with a band behind me, but I doubt if I'll have the new piece ready in time for that one. I've finally learned not to debut a song before it's really ready. That's the carrot this week I suppose. For now, I'll just post the lyrics. Imagine a sweet blues-y start with an even groovier blues-ier/rock refrain*. This one is me making fun of myself with a little help from my friends. Thank you and you know who you are.

Queen
Dianivy ©2007

I’ve been called a million things
Space Cadet, Mermaid of the Lunar Sea
Siren of the Woods and of the Med Café

I’ve been blessed with a thousand tress
Suitable for a hippie Temptress
A Beautiful Sister in the form of a Moon Goddess

*I am Queen of the Nerds
*Queen Dianivy I
*Queen of my little world
*Queen, I mean Bat Girl

I’ve been loved a hundred times
But now a first as a Criminal Mastermind
Dressed in Poison Ivy as a Goddess in my Garden

I’ve been accused of a couple of hex
But none as strange as Dianasaurus Rex
Makes you wonder what for dinner and what I did with my ex!

I 've taken just one week's worth of risk
Being Pandora's Box and the Practice Princess
Doing my part to trash being the Queen of my Thoughts

8.1.07

So many changes so quickly that I'm feeling a little dizzy...and not in that good way. I feel like I've lost part of my family with Love of God following happily after Dionysus into the growing and expanding part of their lives. The kids are off to school in a week or so and I'm searching for a job that will keep my mind off not having much to care for these days. There's always plenty of laundry and dishes, but you know me....I want it all. More later on my musings after seeing Sicko. Much research to do on living in Europe....

7.15.07

Healing and Saftey Wishes for those I love who are recovering and rejuvenating via travel. I'm still very skin-senstive and still figuring out how to sleep right myself. The weekend has been enjoyable with everybody home and trying to get healthy.
The kiddos are enjoying the Animaniacs song versions listing the states and capitols as well as the one listing the countries of the world. Very cute. Better yet is watching Dionysus bounce up and down to the music as he is transported to his childhood. Speaking of which, on this week's agenda is a date to see Transformers. I admit to being a child of the 80's that spent way too much time in front of the TV secretly liking the shows my brother chose. Still waiting for the He-man movie to come out soon. She-Ra is one of my goddess heroines from my childhood. Maybe a new song is order here. See you at the movies :)

7.8.07

48 Hours later and I'm still recovering from my Rainbow experience. I'm lucky to have friends and family who take over the minute I get home and care for the boys and me should I be absolutely toast.

This year held lots of firsts: Peace Circle gathered in a river bed, I had glorious adult helpers as I've mentioned, I got a set recorded Rainbow style, I got covered in poison ivy (yes, I know a name change is begging to be had), and we packed out/drove home all in 24 hours, and all in all, I was a very good girl.

The kids had a great time in the mud/river/rock stimulus that was our home for 6 days and Tumbleweed Man and Most Faithful Fan were mellow. My favorite part of each day was the little de-mudding family bath we all took around the 5 gallon bucket with even less water.

Beautiful Brothers were also in abundance and a Pigtail Sister revealed herself as well. We ate off routine, but gourmet menus met us at each kitchen. Family and Law Enforcement had their usual interface- some pleasant, some provocative. Songs are brewing in my heart, most notably around a brief moment when a Sister rubbed my bare feet with watermelon rind when she noticed I was dancing on the hot river rocks.

Rainbow Love to you and yours. See you next year!

6.29.07

Dionysus is off to make connections with friends far and wide again and I'm realizing how much I appreciate this fine spirit of freedom blended with consideration. I've learned so much about relaxation from this diety that blesses my home with the gift of his presence. We've come to what feels like a healthy equilibrium and I'm enjoying him in a whole new way these days and nights.

Afterall, Dionysus gets credit for me 1) ever starting this journal in the first place, 2) getting inspired by Ani, and 3) writing at least four songs about him in the last four months. It's high time (pun intended) that I say thank you and I love you and I miss you and I know I can count on you and I absolutley thrive on hanging out with you for as long as we are.
Safe Travels :)

6.27.07

Well, it's settled. Most Faithful Fan and Tumbleweed Man are coming with the kiddos and me to Rainbow. We spent yesterday shopping for gear in what the van registerd at 107 degree weather. The good news is that the AC is fixed for the moment and after a dizzying array of 7 stores, the kids didn't totally melt emotionally and the adults survived the first test. This will be the first year I can roam around at night after the kids are asleep as there will be some helpful types around. In years past, it would barely get dark, we'd find a fire, I'd crack out the guitar, play one song and the boys would crash. So then I'd have 2 dead weight boys and a guitar to lug over some hills to camp. This time around, I may be able to hook up with a kitchen's bliss fire and even advertise a little and play a real set or two. I'm especially stoked as I've written some songs this year explicitly about my Rainbow experiences and it'll be so nice to share them there.

6.23.07

"All is as it should be....and this too shall pass." These are just some of the tattoo ideas that God has in His head. While not something I'd get tattooed on me (I prefer some ivy on my hip or some such location), it comes as a comfort to repeat these sentiments to myself as if they were inked on my skin. Ironically it's the letting go of any expectations of God that they are helpful with. This morning I left it that He would call me if He wished to see me again. It felt really good to give Him that control. To not keep inviting myself into His world and let Him come to me is exactly how it's going to work best for both of us. I've been in this place before and this time I'm trying something new, or at least this time I hope to be better at actually allowing a dynamic to be two sided as it should be.

And the kitten's name is Oscar which has already been etched in a bone-shaped name tag - 'cuz those shapes have the most space for addy and phone number.

Peace:)

6.20.07

Arkansas here I come! Rainbow is just a breath away and the kids and I are getting so excited to meet new friends, find the old ones, and re-remember what it's like to be a part of something larger than our usual existence. Each bite of watermelon totally psyches me as I look forward to the July 4th morning of silence, children's parade at noonish and the dancing for Peace that insues thereafter. I wonder though which kitchen I will camp near as Musical Veggie Cafe is no longer.

In other news, I'm no longer a Karaoke virgin! Most Faithful Fan and I finally melted into silliness and braved the crowd at Sidewinders to pleasure them with our versions of Metallica and Shania Twain. Hmmmm I bet you're wondering which of us sang what:) Well, I'm in no mood to divulge such personal information here just yet, so you'll just have to wonder and/or join us next time.

And it occurs to me to share that we have new kitten in the family as of last night! He's so cute and furry and extremely personable. Amadeus is adjusting slowly, but he's been with cats before, so it'll all work out. We still haven't settled on a name yet and the kids are coming up with the funniest of suggestions.."Gray", "Kitty", "Buddy", "Skatch". He's a few months old and was being called "Ben", but that's just not going to work with Forest around as his nickname is Binny.

6.18.07

Down the Rabbit Hole
with my Rock I went
I was not scared
And was
completely at home
just where I was
I needed nothing
believed everything
loved all
and understood where art comes from

The depth of darkness
made the cigarette flag
in His circle of earth
extra glowy and groovy
My Rock spoke
in childlike tones
about the math he sees
swimming in His head
and I heard bass notes
I didn't know existed

My Rock's forehead and abs
were my canvas and
I swore that next time
there would be
paint nearby
Shadows and light
danced on the pillows that
grew and died on His whim

There were roses in vases
Cosmic Eyes staring out of wombs
Yins and Yangs
birthed in the absence of sight
Shapes that have
no names but have
universal appeal
grabbed my pen
and tatted my Rock with
no mercy

Time itself was
a question to be inquired
but we didn't care
as it didn't matter
in the contentment that
was those moments
end on end but non-linear
Shredding the pieces
of ourselves and
Throwing them into
the wind that wasn't
felt absolutely sane

Tiny pinecones that He
thought would blossom
into bigger pinecones
were lost and found
depending on our
need for ground
and smaller rock stuck
tight to Mother despite
our efforts to remove

Copyright 2007 Dianivy

6.17.07

Happy Father's Day to all Dads of children, animals, jobs/businesses/projects, and relationships. It's not often that I remember to call my own Father on this arbitrary day of connecting with Dad, but I did remember this year and was pleasantly surprised when he asked about my mom's health and said that he was thinking of her. They've been divorced since I was five and it's never been pretty between them. Age mellows us all out I guess and it was nice that he expressed his concern and curiosity.

In my own micro-world, I'd like to especially like to thank the father of my two children for doing such an amazing job with them and being supportive with childcare when I need a break or have a show etc. My favorite part is coming home and hearing how he gets frustrated by the same goofiness that the boys try to pull on me. I feel validated and part of a parenting team that, while unconventional, is satisfying.

6.13.07

To each their own. Finally, I grant you all this permission :) Can't get over how different people really are in how they want to experience each other, the world in general, and themselves for that matter.

Case in point: I have a friend who refuses to read another friend's online journal (or mine either)- not because he doesn't like the dude (or me), but because he doesn't want learn about anyone via that format. I keep tellling him it's the window to this guy's soul (and hopefully mine too) and it will explain so much if only he'd take a peek. Then I realize that it's sad that this is how I know someone best. The fact that we've had only four really good talks in about a year of being together almost all the time is quite weird for me, but evidently perfectly acceptable to him.

I, on the other hand, want to soak someone all in anyway I can. I get so energized by the prospect of learning another human that I start to think I can do impossible things. My mistake is thinking that they want to learn me just as deep or care as much as I care about them.

Then there are those who work so hard at connecting at just a low enough level so as to keep most everyone out due to fear of whatever and site "appropriate boundaries" as the reason for all the excuses.

Ahhh and next we have a cute categories of folks - myself included, who keep so busy and endlessly attached, and seem to be running in circles trying all kinds of friendships looking for that magic combination of comfort, excitement and authenticity.

And none of this is healthy per se. It's a small miracle anytime two people even understand accurately what the other is communicating. Most days I'm frustrated and happy all at the same time and count as my pay for a hard day's work a single real smile from someone I'm trying to reach out to even if at the end of the day they retreat back into their shell.

6.04.07

Ahhhh. Camping season has officially begun for my family and friends circle. A refreshing (in the dry wind-blown kind of way) stay at 3SidedWhole and a spa-like visit with God was just what the Healer ordered and I'm ready for my summer with the kiddos and all who make my life glorious. Simple pleasures are the focus these days: balloons, waterplay, easy honest foods, music on my terms, moving dirt around in various back yards, shiny treasures from the box at the gate, painting on recycled flooring, making sure the animals are shaded and watered well.

All a prelude to 30 days from now where I'll be dancing the Peace Circle with my brothers and sisters at Rainbow. Peace and Blessings for me and you, mine and yours. Keep safe, sound and silly if at all possible. This is the season for growing into your next stage of sweetness with the partners of intimacy that you are lucky enough to nuture.

5.29.07

Still reeling from a very fun family vacation/anniversary weekend that also included recording a live show in Sedona. It was good to see my Mountain Bike Heaven friends and Rainbow vibe family. My deep gratitude to bassist Glenn Meizlesh, childcare honey Mike Good, and slide show tech Mark McEuen for making the trip with me and helping making it such a wonderful experience. I'm eager to get my recordings and get the show posted online as soon as possible. So keep checking this site for that very cool update :)

5.17.07

It occurs to me that I haven't explicitly invited your feedback or insights as per this journal. While I don't have this set up for public comments, I do appreciate your emails to booking@Dianivy.com should you be so inclined.

My job the next 6 days is not to worry while loved ones are traveling and a family member is waiting on a serious diagnosis. I'm just so tactile and micro-community focused that it challenges me to let those close be away. I can't demonstrate my care in my usual ways, so it's mental stretchy time for me. Oytah. I'm hoping all this practice will make me a gracious empty nester when the time comes. We'll see :)

5.06.07

Under-estimation is a dangerous game. It never ceases to amaze me how I really can't guess other people and pretend to know to what degree they care about anything in particular. Philosophies aside, I'm learning that most of us want (and I'll go so far as to use the word NEED) very much to be cherished and nurtured. Whether or not this is admitted very often is another question, but it is so fundamental to being human - male or female - it evidently doesn't matter. I struggle to let myself be taken care of by others and when I finally succeed at relaxing into another's care, I find that I've missed a golden opportunity to show someone else just how much I care. I won't be feeling guilty over having a grand time, but I do regret the times when I am unclear, clumsy in scheduling, or down right negligent.

4.27.07

It's official, I'm official!
While it stressed me out to realize how much I don't know about soccer, I'm all set to ref my son's games in a few weeks. Josh really thought it was cool that his mom will be a ref and has been modeling my gear (hat, shirt and whistle). I'm still recovering from a fall down our stairs, but I should be good to go soon. On the therapy agenda is two workouts a day and a honey hike this weekend in the Sandias. I'm so looking forward to crisp air, real red checkerboard cloth, and soggy sandwiches.

4.24.07

The combination of sleep deprivation, good gig energy, and a whole lot of extra oxytocin has left my body and mind in a swirly fine space I'd like to be in more of the time. It's been such a lovely ride these last few days and I'd like to thank my muse for I know that more songs are rising to the surface. While your hands are deceptively cold, I know better. Your heart is big enough for me and that is all I could ever hope for.

4.19.07

Sleeping In
Copyright Dianivy 2007

With him bed is a gown of lazy beauty
A symphony of smooth peach fluff
Dressed in black chocolate music
This is what it's like sleeping in

Puppies sporting real and pretend fur
Jockey for some petting and nuzzles of beard and red curls
Press into my forehead for their turn
This is what it's like sleeping in

Sunlight bounces off slanted walls
Alarm from cell phone calls
Covers off the bed falls
Try to remember that we're sleeping in

Proud feet boasting extremes
Of cold and warm find equilibrium
A sea of cotton witness to their marriage
This is what it's like sleeping in

Love of God and Thunder of Children
Remind us that morning marches on
And coffee brews with intention
This is what it's like sleeping in

4.18.07

Trying so hard to hang onto my dream from last night. I've never experienced anything quite like it before. I was totally at peace, thoroughly enlightened, and understood how every detail fit into the big picture. There were volleyball games to play, children to cuddle, love to nuture, friends to spoil, music to write, meals to prepare and the world was perferct. Amazingly this dream occurred after falling asleep during a documentary on PBS, America at the Crossroads, a well-done, yet chilling and disturbing glance at those who make the case for war - still. Usually I toss and turn after something like that, but this time I went to a different place and loved being asleep in my world of perfection. I awoke to puppy breath and was convinced my dream was real and true. I hopped out of a cozy bed fully rested and ready to facilitate the usual morning stuff - still hoping that I was still enlightened. But the effects of slumber interpreted nirvana are wearing off and there is still an insane war very entrenched in all our lives and we can only escape its reality in our dreams.

4.16.07

Happy Birthday Forest! 5 years has gone so fast and I really liked reading your birthing book to you this morning. A big hug to my midwives, Julia and Mary Lou who taught me how to embrace pain as productive and find the next best solution. I encourage all moms and dads-to-be to consider the wonderful benefits of home and even water birthing. Hospitals have their place, but the natural endorphins were so groovy and to be in my comfort zone and not be pressured was so good for baby and me.

4.12.07

Happy Birthday Brother! Good to see you and your cute family :) May we age well and grow in grace.